I have something a little different up for auction today. These are all listed for 10-day auctions, with no reserve, starting at only a PENNY! They are hand-embellished, limited edition (#1/1), ACEOs of my Tragedy Series to date. Each is listed individually, check them out before they are gone!
I am back in the swing of things, officially starting to sell artwork on eBay again. I will be selling some originals from the last couple of years first off and will eventually offer prints and new originals within the next few months. There are no words to describe how excited I am to start selling again; I have missed the art scene and all of you, my friends and fans! Thank you so much for sticking with me!
still having problems with a sleep schedule...at least now she is napping for only 15-30 minutes a few times a day instead of almost constantly...she stays asleep for about 3 hours at a time at night...with a time of about 1-2 hours up to eat and baby talk to me followed by another 3 hours of sleep. otherwise, it is still chaotic. she doesn't fall asleep for night until 11pm at the earliest. it is hell sometimes. but, she's cute so i will let her get away with it.
in other news...i wish i wasn't so passive. in the long run, it only causes me stress. relationship woes yet again...i will keep on truckin' as long as i am allowed to. ride it until the wheels fall off. thank god for sisters...if i couldn't talk to them about it, i'd be lost.
want to get back to my art...really i don't have time for it right now. i guess we shall see what the future months and/or years hold for me and it. hopefully something good, because i miss loving my art more than a man. it made life more simple when it was like that.
i am still not on medication for fibromyalgia nor anxiety/depression. i need them both. but i am still breastfeeding and i was advised not to take them just in case.
my life could be better...but as aunt lena always said, "eat what you got and sing what you know." guess that goes for all aspects of it...
i think she's become even prettier in only a week, hehe.
breastfeeding started out horrible...my milk came in late and i wasn't producing enough food for baby...had to start supplementing her due to weight loss. my milk is starting to fill her up, now...so hopefully soon she will be on just breast milk. we've gotta work on my right breast...i've got a flat nipple (tmi, i am sorry) so she has problems latching, which caused a "bad latch" that injured my nipple and it needed a couple days to heal...so, it's not as used as the left and isn't producing as much milk...we are working on it, and she is a hard worker, lol. my breastfeeding counselor has been a godsend...she's offered techniques, gadgets, and advice that has helped tremendously. she's very encouraging, and told me today many mothers give up by now if things aren't going well. she said, "i can tell this is something you really want for lena, i'm very proud of you." i've called her several times bawling my eyes out because i felt so guilty about not being able to satisfy lena's appetite.
the good news? lena has gained 7.5 ounces in just 4 days! :) i was extremely happy to learn that today. i also got my staples out today and am healing rather well. i am on painkillers, though...my back has been aching and/or spasming since that epidural, ugh...it took the doctors over an hour to get it in me...and the pains it put me in caused my body to start shaking really bad. when they used a larger needle it went in alright, but the doctor had to "adjust" the tube/needle while it was inside me...that friggin' HURT! then...i went numb, lol. nate had to take me to the ER on monday due to the spasms...they were terrible, and i was scared it had something to do with the epidural (which it does, but not something serious like i feared).
i also learned i am allergic to iodine! didn't have a clue until a moderate rash turned into a rash of blisters. it itches extremely bad. my ob gave me scripts for itching and steroids to help heal up the rash...both of which aren't harmful to baby. it's in the exact pattern of the iodine wash they did before cutting me open. kinde (my ob/cousin) said, "eh! that just...looks painful and irritating! let me get you something for that..."
that's the short and sweet version. i am learning to function on less sleep than i've ever had in my life...crazy for someone who has slept a LOT her entire life. i'm so concerned about my little baby, though...and she's so purdy, i can't take my eyes off of her. but, i am sure that is how all mamas feel. ;)
3:07am: i am a mommy!
this has to be the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. what a struggle. what a pain. what a blessing! she looks like her daddy, even has his lazy eye, teehees. but she's got my crooked smile, hehe, so it's all good.
i do indeed have a story to tell, but i am tired...it may be a while before i recount, lol. a horrific encounter with epidural administration, ugh...lots of unsuccessful breastfeeding leading to painful, cracked, bleeding nipples due to the endless efforts of my little one followed by the sudden onset of milk production causing hardened, painful, big boobies. i am supplementing baby now with formula. my nipples need to heal for a bit, but i know lena misses nursing...she keeps trying to fall down toward my breasts, but my main concern is her gaining her weight back. luckily, she was 8lbs6ozs when she was born, so her losing a pound in hospital wasn't life-threatening. still, it was scary for me, made post-partum depression set in with thoughts that i couldn't provide for my baby and feed her...i felt like a horrible mother because my body wasn't responding to little lena's tremendous efforts. nate's loving support through my outbursts made me realize how lucky i am...and that he came around...he's been so sensitive toward me, i think i fell in love all over again! :)
one thing i have learned: breastfeeding is euphoric...i fall into a coma-like relaxation when my baby nurses...and usually fall asleep with her, lol. i haven't nursed in about 15 hours and i am missing it sooooo much! i've had to hot-rag my boobs a few times today to relieve the pressure and hardness. crazy stuff!
anywho...until i can get my pictures up and edited, here is the hospital's link to my baby's page. :) she looks just like her daddy...but he is cute, so that's fine with me, hehe! she's got a cap on in this, but she's got a full head of hair. and her ears and back are hairy, too, lol! nate told me that's a native american thing, lol!
7:30am: the biggest day of my life.
gonna become a mommy today. i am a lot more calm than i expected to be. my middle sis, brandy, and her family are here from tennessee...they got here yesterday and nate and i had dinner together with them, mom and stepdad, and my oldest sis, tracy, and her kiddos. it was very nice.
i am excited and nervous, but ready. and even though i feel excited/nervous, my nerves aren't going crazy like usual. i feel lena kicking around in there right now, wonder if she knows what's goin' on, hehe. i've been having contractions, but they are sporadic and aren't rhythmic at all. just a couple more hours, people. i will post pictures and tell all when i am back home and feeling better.
12:33am: random things...
i am gonna be a mommy in less than two and a half days. *swoons*
at my last ob appointment i was informed that i have been having contractions, lol. i didn't know. just thought i was having a backache and feeling a bit of pelvic pressure from baby's head n extra pounds. "those are contractions"...haha, my period hurts worse than that. of course, i'm not in labor, so that's probably why they aren't that bad.
being so in love with a man is incredible. to think life gave me a second chance at love after such a heartbreaking encounter. to think my heart accepted...
today's big excitement was the wind. wind gusts here of 45 mph made two of the electricity lines in our alley wrap together, pop a lot, and fall behind our house. one of the wires tangled with a neighbors chain-link fence and created an arc, keeping the line live. a fire ensued. luckily, the nearest fire department is only about three blocks away, so they were here in no time. it wasn't a big fire, but we weren't going to mess with it because of the live line. the electric company relieved the fire department's babysitting of the line after two hours of waiting, and we had no power for the following two hours as they repaired the lines. glad everything went alright and no one was hurt.
i really suck at pogo's bowling game, but i really enjoy playing it.
the guy i was apprenticing under for tattoos (mark, my adopted brother, hehe) is finally having big things happen for him. i offered help yet again when/if he needs it after my life settles down and such, and he said "definitely!" so i suppose eventually i will again have an outway source (ahem, a place away from home) to draw and get a bit more motivated art wise...without so much bullshit as before. always easier to draw somewhere else...dunno why. maybe because i don't have an actual place to draw here, but who knows? i am very happy and proud for him.
yoplait's cranberry-raspberry yogurt is the shit. it tastes like actual cranberry, a taste i enjoy quite a bit.
think i'm gonna call it a night soon...nate told me to get as much rest as my body will allow 'cause soon we will be jumping through hoops for little lena. so, i think i will take my lovie's advice and go to bed soon. i woke from a nap about an hour ago, and i slept during the day for about 5 hours while nate was asleep (he works nights) but i haven't been getting much sleep in the earlier part of this week.
8:49pm: mah poor honey...
he's a sick old bear today. think he's got strep throat. gonna try to convince him to let me take him to the emergency room at the indian hospital tonight so he can get a shot o' penicillin in the bum-bum. that way, he will be sprung back to life by the time he's gotta go to work tomorrow night at 7. he's been sleeping practically all day long...hasn't eaten much, either.
i'm coming down with something, too...although i rarely get strep (had it once in my life), mine just feels like an upper respiratory infection with a touch of head cold. i just finished my coarse of antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, and think that extra crap in my system has helped reduce the impact the gunk has had on me. if i start feeling worse, gonna call the doctor, 'cause i am just over a week away from my c-section, and i don't want to be sick around my newborn baby.
my middle sister brandy is coming down the 29th with her family. my nephews are excited about having a new cousin...they are such good kids. i just realized about a day ago that this will be my oldest sister tracy's first niece. lol, i never realized she has only nephews. lots of family planning to be here, especially from nate's side. he's got a large close-knit family. my family is pretty much just my mom, step-dad, sisters and their families. everyone else i don't really know or don't talk to anymore. nate's side...oh my, if everyone who is planning on being there is there? the hospital might need to make a bigger boat, lol.
i can't wait to breastfeed. my body is producing colostrum already, i keep leaking it..mostly when i put on a new shirt, haha. i am scared about the nurses being cruel, but i am ready to be a bitch. i don't want them to give lena a bottle or binky, nor do i want them to try to help me latch baby to my breast. weird? i dunno, i want her to have a chance at breastfeeding without it being disrupted and/or traumatizing her. if all goes well, i want to try to breastfeed for at least a year, if not two. i would love to be able to let lena ween herself from the booby, but the usa is kinda fickle on stuff like this...legally, no one can say or do anything, but i am sure there are those who would try.
i was almost panicky a few weeks ago about being a new mom. although i am still nervous, i am so ready to meet my first baby. i am so ready to get the party started. i am ready for my life to change.
i suppose everyone has one...that person that just gets under your skin no matter what. hearing this person's voice makes my skin crawl...see their face makes me nauseated...receiving advice from them makes me want to become violent (why would i take advice from someone worse off than myself???). it's worse without medication and puts me into a horrible mood when they are over, even though i just lock myself in the room when they are.
the most annoying thing? they come over only when my mother-in-law gets a check in...fucking rediculous that only i and nate realize this...
i bite my tongue...pregnancy has made this extremely difficult, why i stay away from it. post-partum, dunno if i will be able to. and i dread the thought of them being pretentious and coming to visit in the hospital...ugh...i am afraid i will say "don't touch my baby." and i probably will.
guess i am not a very good person. but there is a deeper reasoning behind my loathing...quite frankly, i believe i have good reasoning for it all...
...so effin' tired...can't sleep...sleep on my sides = wake up to terrible muscle spasms in my hips...sleep on my back = trouble breathing, back aches, shoulder knots, and sore abdominal muscles. doesn't help that i have to pee every hour now, either.
lena is coming march 30th. we are having a c-section due to my health issues...my hips are a real bummer and i'd count on my body to act up if i were to have natural birth. playing it safe...
it's kinda cute seeing how excited nate is. he's always shopping or at least looking in the baby sections of stores...playing with the toys and saying stuff like "i can't wait to change poopy diapers again." and he is serious, lol. what a sicko. i look forward to breastfeeding...i was leaking again yesterday which was good...had a sinus infection and was taking decongestion medicines which i've been told can dry lactation up due to it being a mucus membrane and all. so, we shall see how it all goes.
oh, and i finally told him "you get mad at me when i tell you what's wrong...you get mad at me when i don't...so what the fuck other option do i have?" yeah, things are better now...glad i balled up and just flat out told him. pregnancy hormones probably helped a bit...
been thinking about going into some form of nursing...not sure...just really don't think my art will ever do anything for me financially, and i need something better than a regular day job that has shitty medical. of course, once nate and i tie the knot, i won't have to worry with that anymore...he is native american indian so i will have his medical benefits and all...not that they are great...but they are something.
have also been trying to figure out when i can return to ebay. yet again i owe them...and paypal clipped my account since there was a negative ten dollar balance for so long, and i have no idea how to go about paying them off...there is no real option except waiting on a phone line for an hour to have someone tell me "tough shit". so, not even sure it's worth the effort. my art always seemed to put me in a hole...i still enjoy drawing when i draw, but eh...no more visions of grandeur...think i gave up on my dream or something.
alas, i have bigger fish to fry in about a month, anyway...gotta be a mommy before anything else, now.
laundry day 'cause i noticed i am out of underwear. oops.
been having lots of fun with nate on his vacation...he had to take 3 days off before march, and the days he took gave him a week off from work (and gave us valentine's day together, yay!). we've been doing stuff and getting out of the house, which is nice...
i am tired...very little sleep every night since his off days started. i am not complaining, though! it's either due to us going out and doing fun things, or...well, doing really fun things at home, hehe. i think i am starting to have false contractions, usually last only maybe 10 minutes long altogether and don't happen but once every-other-day or so...i told nate to either encourage the act or get rid of it...so far his "help" has been making them stop. i have another bi-weekly appointment on friday...i really think i just haven't been having enough water.
things are better for the moment. just laundry day, blah. gotta switch the load. hope all is well in lj land. :)
i am experiencing water retention for the first time...always been a big water drinker...never had the problem. my ankles are swollen to the size of my calves...it's weird...it's uncomfortable...it's harder to walk now...
12:47am: not been resting while asleep...
...or trying to sleep, anyway. several times since about half-way through the pregnancy, i have dreams of sorts that i can't remember, but they cause me to move in my sleep...mostly of which is me thrashing my arms out. earlier tonight i drifted off to sleep unintentionally while watching tv, and i knocked my glass of water over and made a mess. it took me a minute to realize what had happened...i was still half asleep when i grabbed a towel.
last night, for the first time in about a month and a half or two months, i had my form of nightmares. my "bad dreams" consist of real-life events that could take place, but really haven't in actuality, that would be detrimental to me emotionally and/or mentally. sometimes, more times than not, they confuse me, and i start believing things happened or were said that really didn't/weren't. it is an odd, uncomfortable feeling...i am not having these dreams as much as i had been before getting pregnant/in early pregnancy, but when they happen i don't feel like i have rested at all. it really sucks having to talk to people i know and ask, hey, did this happen, or was this discussed? i get odd looks and i am embarrassed that i have to actually ask to differentiate between dreams and reality...i dunno, p'haps i am more nuts than i thought. i think these dreams started a few months after dave passed away...
as tired as i was two hours ago when i fell asleep and knocked my water over, i can't seem to even lay down now. lena is kicking up a storm...of course, i was upset all day due to my dreams n such, so she's prolly paying me back for the stress. don't lecture me, because there isn't a magic button that allows me to turn it off...it's how i am.
11:35pm: do me a favor...
...don't ask me "what's wrong?" unless you really want to know what is wrong or what is on my mind or what is bothering me. it hurts my feelings when i try to tell you and you blow up because you don't understand...it makes me go numb and tell you "nothing is wrong" when there obviously is the next several times you ask.
ps - not intended toward anyone here...just kinda in a mood (still/again), i guess...
1:49pm: yay, roller coasters...
i thought you weren't supposed to ride roller coasters if you are pregnant...why the emotional ride, then? pfft.
this sucks. as if i weren't nutty enough already. certain things i used to say "oh well" or "whatever" to are really REALLY starting to bug me. it makes me sad. blah. it just seems like people are way too eager to hurt one another, even if it may be unintentional, it still seems to me like a person would know better...
i really need to get back to drawing again...but my pregnancy is getting a bit harder. i am getting more and more incredibly uncomfortable as each day passes, and if i get into a "hunched" position lena doesn't like, she starts really kicking and/or punching with all her little might...didn't know baby's were so strong, but oof! she is already getting me good, to think she's still going to pretty much double in weight and length...omgz. kinda scary.
i am sleepy a lot, but feel like i am always sleeping. as a matter of fact, i am actually just *trying* to sleep the majority of the day, and only get in a couple of hours worth of it so i remain tired even though i am in bed the majority of the time. it's always taken me about an hour to fall asleep, sometimes less time, most of the time more time than that...and i sleep very lightly, so every little noise wakes me up. kinda sucks. i have also always had a problem sleeping through the night...i can't remember the last time i had a "full night" of 8 hours of sleep...or, shit, even 6...or 5...most i can remember at once is 4 hours and that seems like ancient history, lol.
nate still makes sure he takes me places to "shop"...he knows i don't care for shopping, so we really just browse so i can get some exercise. my back is starting to hurt quite a bit, so walking is getting even harder. and with all the friggin' weather changes, my hips and shoulders are killing me. we had 70-degree weather over the weekend, and come thursday it's going to be below freezing again with freezing rain, sleet, and snow. wtf?
otherwise, life goes. i talked to my boss from wis the other day, and she sounded disappointed i hadn't had baby, yet. the busy season for inventory is in full swing now, and apparently they need help. this all sounds familiar...if i reposted about things i posted about recently, i am sorry. pregnant after all, haha!
7:48pm: very random things...
soooo, like...i've fallen off again. haven't drawn since sometime in december. p'haps it is from discomfort. p'haps from being tired. p'haps from mental issues. p'haps all of it. bottom line...what good is an artist who doesn't create art?
i met an old high school art friend on facebook...really cool guy. we used to get into a bit of trouble back in the day. he mentioned having a "home block" for art-making. sometimes i think that is what is my problem. i don't have a place to draw. i used to have an art desk when dave and i lived together...had my own little piece of space in the computer room. then, after he passed on and friends moved into the computer room, i had a recliner i could chill in and prop my art against myself and draw for hours comfortably. then, i had my own desk in the tattoo shops...so, i'd sit there and would draw and draw until someone pulled me out of it to draw something for their tattoo. now, i don't have a place to draw. so, i don't draw very often. every time i think about drawing, i dread it. how much my hips will start aching and cramping, how my shoulders and back will start burning and spasming, and how crappy i will feel tomorrow for a couple hours of drawing today...
my mind is constantly obsessing over negative things, sometimes i am able to pull myself out and realize the positive things.
pain friggin' sucks. as does giving a damn about stoopid shit.
i had some good news yesterday at my wic appointment. the breastfeeding counselor found that i will be able to start taking my fibromyalgia medicine again, as it won't affect breastfeeding. she said that i can either take my medicine after a morning feeding, or any time i take it and need to feed baby shortly after, i can either wait an hour, or pump once to dump, then feed. so, that is good news. it will take about 3 months for the medicine to kick in again, but i look forward to less pain. the medicine i was on didn't totally rid me of pain, but i could walk at more than a snail's pace, get out of bed without needing nate's help, and could work a job without having too many bad days...speaking of which. i should have known we'd be having storms today/tonight...yesterday i had a horrible day. i couldn't sleep a bit, every time i'd be almost asleep, my hips would start cramping up on me (imagine a charley horse in your hip muscles, that is what it feels like, both sides at the same time), and i'd have to lay on my back. it's hard for me to sleep on my back because i can't breathe too well with a baby on my diaphragm (i'm a tummy breather), but i tried catching up on sleep today since i feel a bit better.
nate was in a bad mood when he left for work...i get quiet when he starts ranting around, and he asks me what's wrong. i said that nothing was wrong, and he said, "well, you seem to be in a funky mood." he always does that to me or tells me i have a "pissy mood" when he is, in fact, the one in a bad mood. but, whatever. i will never understand men, hopefully i give up trying to do so soon. all it does is stress me out. too many things i just don't get.
okay, a one-lined post got me to here, my bad. gonna go. just thought i'd say hi n stuff.